my life inside the box

By: Courtnie Lawrence  (myitalics.com)

I grew up on farmland. Sometimes we had farm animals; sometimes we didn’t. But we always, always had cats. More than we could even name, as they seemed to multiply overnight. So I have plenty of cat stories. One of our most memorable cats was Ziggy, who kept trying to tell us, in no uncertain terms, that she was tired of being a mother. One morning, we were all bringing our bookbags and lunchbags out to the van, packing it for school. Never one to miss an opportunity for some peace and quiet, Ziggy crept into the van with one kitten at a time in her mouth and planted each kitten in the van. My mother kindly took them and put them back in the cat house. As we all crawled into the van, Ziggy brought them again, one by one. Each time, my mom would take the kitten, set it back outside, and Ziggy would be there again with another kitten. Now that I’m a mom, I can honestly say I know how she felt. Ever had a day (week? month? year?) like that?

The simplest way to put it is this: with life, and especially with kids, Forrest Gump had it right when he said, “You never know what you’re gonna get.” I’m finding that one of the great secrets of motherhood is to try to simplify our expectations. If we don’t, we will find that we are forever disappointed about something or other. This is especially hard for card-carrying Type A personalities like myself. We pride ourselves on doing it right – all the time! So kids – especially those with the gall to be born with their own personalities! – to us, are like a big bucket (tub? ocean?) of cold water poured over our heads at 3 in the morning – every morning.

I’m sure you’ve had moments like I did in the grocery store when my daughter was about 2. I let her graduate from sitting strapped in her special front seat cart cover to riding in the cute car carts at Martin’s. So as the proud mom, I shopped as she contentedly honked the noiseless horn and steered the wheel. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a blur. My first thought was, “Some poor mother somewhere is missing an out-of-control child.” Well, you guessed it, when I peered into my own car cart, my child was missing! Humbling, for sure, and not the first (or worst) experience of its kind either.

I used to feel so guilty when my child wasn’t reading at age 3 or sitting completely still for half an hour when the situation warranted it. Or potty trained by 18 months. Or even when she didn’t smile at strangers as a baby. They would come up to her and chirp and coo at her, and she’d look at them with her dark eyes, refusing to smile or humor them in any way. “Oh, she must be tired!” they would eventually say as they turned away to greet friendlier babies. But of course, I knew that she had just gotten up from a wonderful nap and had just been fed. She simply wasn’t behaving like the performing little darling I expected. And it only got worse as she got older. Imagine my surprise and chagrin when I realized that she had her very own personality, one much bigger than my own. And so different from mine!

But what I’m learning is that I need to give her the grace to be and the room to become (Stasi Eldredge’s definition of beauty from her incredible book Captivating). This doesn’t mean sitting back and letting her darker side take over; rather, it’s deciding what issues to address and which ones to leave alone. Basically, it all boils down to character. What kind of woman will she become? Not so much how will she look, how successful will she be, or anything on the surface; but rather, how will she view God and herself? How will she treat others? These are my new priorities.

I’m finding that it’s important to be pro-active. Much of motherhood is reactive. The baby throws up; you change your shirt. The child cries; you hold him. Your daughter needs shoes; you go out and buy them for her. But having a plan makes a big difference. It’s the difference between constantly feeling like you are barely keeping your head above water and seeing positive results in the behavior of your children. Not that we always get it right because that’s another unrealistic expectation. But just as going to the grocery store is always more effective when you take the time to make a list the night before, parenting is a bit smoother when you know what it is you want to instill in your children.

In Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character . . . in You and Your Kids!, authors Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller cover several major areas of importance when teaching your kids (these are also the titles of the chapters):

The Positive Side of Anger

Instruction: Giving the Gift of Responsibility

Correction: Giving the Gift of Wisdom

Accepting Limits: Giving the Gift of Contentment

Attitude: Giving the Gift of Perspective

Restraint: Giving the Gift of Self-Control

Honesty: Giving the Gift of Integrity

Forgiveness: Living the Gift of Peace

The authors explain, Viewing your children as works in progress instead of finished products can help you respond to them without harshness or frustration . . . . you can view problems as opportunities. Misbehavior and relational struggles are indicators of where your child needs help to grow and mature.

In short, we need to cut ourselves some slack and give our kids a break at times, and at others, we need to use those opportunities to show our kids real-life lessons that will help them develop character and become who we ultimately want them to be. And more importantly, set them on course for fulfilling their God-given destinies.

And if you’re feeling a bit like my childhood cat, Ziggy, today, let me encourage you with a quote by Mary Anne Radmacher: Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”