my life inside the box

NOTE:  This post touched so many moms, we wanted to share it again!  Thanks Courtnie!

By:  Courtnie Lawrence  (www.myitalics.com)

This December, amidst all of the other celebrations going on, I am reminded of a different kind of anniversary my husband and I are facing. This month marks the three-year anniversary of trying to have another baby. Certainly no one would celebrate infertility. That’s just weird. But I am convinced that God has redeemed this time by giving me a perspective to share with others out there who are still waiting for something.

Basically, at any given moment – and at every given moment – we will be waiting for something. Dating. College. Career. Marriage. Kids. For the kids to grow out of the terrible twos or the know-it-all fours. More kids. Bigger house. New job. New car. Or maybe just for dinner to be ready or waiting for your turn in line at the grocery store. You get the picture. You will always be in the process of waiting for something. And there will always be something you want that you don’t yet have. Which means that by nature, we humans are ever in the process of wanting something else. Sad thought, huh?

So here are four things I’ve learned about waiting:

• It is important to grieve. Be honest with yourself about your disappointment and let yourself walk through it instead of denying it and thinking it will just get better with time. Don’t downplay it by comparing it with others who are going through something worse. If it’s a big deal to you, then it’s a big deal.

• Don’t blame God. It’s not His fault. He’s a God of order, a God of peace. A God who sees. One who understands. After all, He’s been through more than we could ever imagine. Every good and perfect gift comes from Him. Don’t take the easy way out and just say it’s God’s fault. We do have an enemy who is a liar, a destroyer. A stealer. A killer. It might be time to take a stand against the forces of darkness and claim your rights as God’s child. More than anything, you need God’s presence when you’re walking through the valleys. And you can’t feel that when you’re all puffed up with anger.

• Don’t begrudge others. Would you really wish your troubles on them? Absolutely not! You can be free to truly be happy for others, even when they get what you want. Let’s put on our big-girl pants here. God is a redeeming God, and even if He did not create your current situation, He is right there with you in the midst of it. And He is going to redeem it. So don’t waste time and energy refusing to rejoice with others over good things happening in their lives. As my daughter’s teacher tells her, “You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit!”

• Don’t let life slip away. Let’s be honest here. If I never see the fruits of my prayers fulfilled, if I never welcome another child into this world, I want to know that I still chose to live life with gusto. That I opened my eyes wide and took a look around at all of the blessings I do enjoy.

If I had spent the last three years in mourning (or pouting, while we’re being honest), I would have missed:

• 1095 days getting to know my husband better, the contentment of a solid relationship
• precious time with sisters and girlfriends
• celebrating the births and milestones in the lives of five nephews and a niece
• opportunities to serve others and learn more about myself
• the decadence of a freshly baked chocolate something-or-other
• the wonder of getting lost in an amazing novel
• three fall seasons of watching the glorious colors ripen and fade
• three Christmas mornings, when the air is so thick with excitement, you can feel the electricity
• warm days where the sun bathes your skin and relaxes your body
• shopping with my Mom and sisters and experiencing hilarious moments – like Mom banging her head on the toilet paper holder at a Mexican restaurant and getting so disoriented that she wandered into the restaurant’s kitchen trying to find our table!
• 36 months enjoying the sweetness of holding my daughter’s hand and kissing her soft cheek
• my daughter’s potty training
• her first day of Pre-K
• her first friends
• first trip to Disney
• writing her own name
• being able to converse with her like an adult
• watching her kick her thumb-sucking habit and the official retirement of her well-loved baby blanket named Alby
• the end of naps (and the beginning of room time)
• the opportunity to share with others and encourage them during their times of waiting

There is such beauty in our lives everyday. I pray I’ll always see that instead of allowing my focus to be skewed by an obsession with getting what I want. You see, I could share this struggle after I conceived another baby, and we’d all clap and shout and run out to Babies R Us. We would celebrate that victory. But I started thinking, what a testimony it is to praise God when I don’t see an answer. And I have that victory already. Not so much that I’m holding what I want in my hands but that I can truly see what I already have. There is a higher reality than the one we see with our physical eyes. God sustains. God fulfills. Nothing can separate us from His love! If He is for us, who can be against us? Whatever you need, He is.

When my daughter prays at night, instead of begging God for a baby sister, she simply says, “Thank you for hearing our prayers for a baby sister.” And that faith, that simplicity, so inspires me. So I’m sharing this in hopes that you, too, will be inspired. May you be encouraged today that God does see you and He does care, whether or not you feel it with your physical senses. The truth is the truth regardless of how we feel. And in this season of thanksgiving, I am so fully grateful for that.

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint (Isaiah 40:31).