By: Courtnie Lawrence (www.myitalics.com)
Here’s the lowdown: Marta had a younger sister who was very fragile, and her mother coddled her. It didn’t end well. So when Marta has a daughter of her own who reminds her of her sister, Marta is determined to push her harder than her other children in the hopes that, unlike Marta’s late sister, she will be able to survive in the world. This ultra-sensitive, timid child, named Hildemara, grows up to resent her mother. Not understanding why she pushed her so hard, Hildemara believes her mother hates her. So these two women who are bonded together by blood become, if not enemies, at least very indifferent to one another. This goes on for years and years, each altercation building yet another brick to the already sound wall between them.
The situation I have just described is fictional, and it’s not mine. I borrowed the story line from Francine Rivers’ latest novel, Her Daughter’s Dream. The story actually begins in the prequel, Her Mother’s Hope. How happy was I to find sage parenting insight in these two fantastic novels! I got to relax and escape while at the same time receiving tidbits to help me along in my own relationship with my daughter. Whether or not this is what Rivers intended, I want to share this with you in the hopes that it will inspire you to take another look at your own relationships with your children.
While reading these novels, I found myself thinking about the day’s interactions with my daughter. Was I, like Marta, pushing her too hard – good intentions notwithstanding? I can defend myself for most of the things I do, seeing as I’m me and I have my reasons and I actually believe in what I’m doing. But how do I come across to her? And do I really mean to come across that way?
Quick example: I think she’s wonderful, of course, and I pour most – some days, all! – of my energy into taking care of her and making sure she has the best of what we can give her. But my in-laws were over for dinner one night, and I was telling them how sweet my nephews are. It was then I saw my daughter’s face fall. Her confidence seemed to be put on hold as a fragility usually unlike her took over. “Do you think I’m sweet?” she asked. For some reason, that really hit me. Did she really not know that I think her all things wise and wonderful? That I treasure every laugh, each special moment; that I write down all of the funny comments she makes and store them in the treasure trove of my heart?
On another occasion – just one more, I promise! – I was keeping busy, doing dishes, straightening the house, doing laundry, and to be honest, finding other things to keep me occupied so I could have an excuse to take a break from braiding tangled Barbie hair and bedazzling Barbie horses. And suddenly, I wondered how that appeared to her. Being five, she wasn’t thinking, “Oh, Mom is 33 years old and needs to feel more productive” or “Sitting on the floor criss-cross-applesauce for two hours straight is a bit much for Mom.” What I imagine she was thinking was, “Mom doesn’t have time for me. I’m not important.”
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean we should live in dirty, disheveled homes and forget all other grown-up duties. Nor should we put our kids up on such a pedestal that we walk around on eggshells, always worried about psychologically damaging them if we ever tell them no. I think the key is balance. And maybe just an extra moment or two to reflect and determine why we are doing what we are doing. Is it important? Is it necessary for me to do it NOW? And to follow up on the earlier example, is there something I need to actually say to my child and not assume he/she already knows it?
The verse that came to mind as I pondered this is Proverbs 24:27, “Put your outdoor work in order and get your fields ready; after that, build your house.” I remember hearing this verse in relation to waiting for Mr. Right. How God wants us to get ourselves in order – in relationship to Him – before we begin to literally and figuratively build our lives together with our Prince Charming. But if you’ll allow me to stretch it a little more, we are doing more than just cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare, and working outside the home. We are building a life for ourselves and our children. And in doing so, we need to get our “stuff” together so we can do it right.
Sure, we’ll fall and get distracted, maybe go down the wrong road a time or two (or three!), but if we remember that we are building not just our homes, but also our relationships with our husbands and children, it might inspire us to keep going – and do it even better. And, as these wonderful books (can you tell I love Francine Rivers?) point out, “It’s easier to build a wall than a bridge.” If we’ve built walls, let’s start constructing bridges. These years with our kids go by so quickly. At the risk of sounding corny, let’s make them count.
Hurray! Saturday! Park day!
